Beyond Measure
by PhaiFan
Summary: Sometimes the depth of love is hard to comprehend. Alexander ponders this as he watches a sleeping Hephaestion. No angst in this one! Phai needed a break.


**Alexander's thoughts as he watches Hephaestion sleep.**

**I do not own any of it...not the characters nor anything related to them, though I would love to bring Phai home with me and save him from all the angst that seems to follow him. There is none of that here!**

**Rating: K**

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Sometimes I wonder what I have done to deserve you. Truth be told, I probably do not deserve you at all. Thankfully, the gods saw fit to give me the great, undeserved treasure that is you. Very few things cause me to feel humble. This does.

I watched you today in our council meeting. My generals can be a quarrelsome lot, this you know. Oh, they are the best of the best, without question, but they can be as stubborn as an ass and as petty as children sometimes. At times I watch them with pride, and at times I want to demote them all to mucking out stables to shut them up. You…you are a different matter entirely. Today, as is typical of you, you merely sat quietly and took it all in. You made your suggestions and comments when they were appropriate, but that is all. You never engage them in their bickering and head-butting. No, the most I saw from you was a slight smirk once in a while, which you kept well-hidden from all but me, and the half smile and wink you gave me when I rolled my eyes at their behavior. You watched everything going on around you, and you watched me. I can always tell when you are watching me. I can feel those amazing eyes of yours on me, and it never fails to stir my blood and give me strength. You look at me with pride and you embolden me to push my limits and be a better man.

Any time I start to doubt myself, I need only to look at you and I feel like I can do anything. I wonder if you truly know how much power you have. I may be the one at the forefront and the one who receives all the glory, but you are the catalyst that sparks the flame within me. Without your quiet strength beside me, I daresay I would not get far. No, I am too impulsive and quick tempered for my own good; of this I am quite aware. You keep me grounded. A slight shake of your head and a quirked eyebrow is all that it takes to let me know I need to step back, calm down, and think rationally. A slight nod of encouragement is all I need to know I am on the right track.

If the others knew how much influence you have, and how dependent I am on you, well…I shudder to think what their reaction would be. Some would hate you, more than do already, others would be jealous. All of them would think of me as weak most certainly. They would truly think I am ruled by your thighs. That thought makes me smile. If they only knew.

You are my strength, that is certain, but you are also my weakness. I can refuse you nothing, and I would give up all that I have if you asked me to. Of course, I know you would never ask such a thing from me. You know my dreams, perhaps better than I, and you do all in your power to make sure I achieve them. Ah, but you _do_ make me weak. One gaze into your eyes and I am lost. One touch of your fingers on my skin sets me on fire. One kiss from your lips and my entire kingdom is yours for the asking. Yes, I wonder what my dear generals would think if they knew that you are the strong one, not I. I daresay they do not know that just one small touch or look from you is all it takes to render me helpless. I wonder how they would react if they knew that I allowed you to dominate me sometimes. I am King, yes, but even a king likes to be able to trust someone enough to abandon control. I trust you beyond measure and therefore I have no problem putting my life, my body, and my heart, in your hands.

As much as you seem to love watching me, I love to watch you as well. No matter what we are doing, you are amazing to me. You have a quiet, unassuming grace that I have never seen in any other. It does not matter if we are having a quiet supper, attending a rowdy party or banquet, arguing over plans in council meetings, or even in battle…there is something about you that sets you apart from and above all others. To watch you in battle is a sight that never ceases to take my breath. You move with an ease and power that none other can equal. Oh, there are others with more brute strength and force than you, but none can match your finesse and control. You move at one with your mount, fluid and graceful. Your movements are measured and precise. Yes, graceful.

There is that word again…grace. It is present in all that you do. It is in the way you walk, the way you smile, the way you ride; even in the way you swing your sword or thrust your dagger. It is in the words you speak, the smile on your face, and in your laughter. It is in your voice.

I could listen to you talk for hours and simply get lost in the sound of that voice. Your voice is like velvet to my ears and slides like silk over my skin, and is more beautiful to me than any song or instrument I have ever heard. I lose myself in the sound of your words.

Nothing causes me to lose myself more, however, than looking into your eyes. Your eyes…how could I even begin to describe them? I would not have believed such a color even existed before I saw those eyes. The blue of the sky and the azure of the sea…you put them both to shame. The depth of what I see in those eyes draws me in and holds me captive. Lost in your gaze, I would do anything you asked of me. Once again, I am made weak. I see so many things in their depths. I see pride, acceptance, and understanding, and, above all, love. Love. For me. I am truly not worthy. I remember the first time I saw you as a boy, and the first time I met your eyes. I was as transfixed then as I am now. I knew then that you would be by my side forever and that I could trust you with my life. I have never once regretted that.

The one thing it pains me to see in those eyes is disappointment. In me. Or hurt. Caused by me. I have, sadly, seen both. Sometimes I truly am an ass, this I know. Sometimes my reckless side gets the better of me, and sometimes I do not think of the consequences my actions will have. I do things on impulse fueled by my own impatience and desires, only to find you looking at me with _that_ look. I see that, and I know I have gone too far. I rarely feel regret for the things I do, except in this. With you, I regret a great many things. I wish I could say I would never cause you to have that look again, but I know myself and I know I will be foolish again at times. Yet, despite that, you still look at me with love shining through the sadness.

I do not have words enough for that. And once again, I do not deserve you.

My favorite look of all, besides the love of course, is desire. When you look at me with eyes darkened with desire, it steals my breath. That you want someone like me in that way astounds me. You are beautiful. More beautiful than anyone I have ever seen, anywhere, man or woman. You could have anyone you wanted with simply a word, and yet you want _me_. Why? I have no idea, other than that the gods have truly smiled upon me. You are a gift, and I thank the gods every day for that gift. And again, I am humbled.

I love to look at you. You are stunning. I have already mentioned your eyes, though I could go on and on about them forever. But I love everything about you. I love your hair. I love its burnished bronze, sun-streaked and flowing to your shoulders. I love to tangle my fingers in it when we make love, or to simply stroke its silkiness as you sleep. I love your nose. Yes, I know that sounds silly, but I do. It is small, compared to a lot of men, and slightly upturned at the tip. I think it is adorable, though I suspect you would punch me for describing you with that term. I love your lips. I love the shape of them, I love the softness of them, and I love the taste of them. I could feast on that taste for hours…and sometimes do. I love how those lips can reduce me, the supposedly mighty King, to a quivering mass completely surrendered to you. I love your body, from the tender column of your neck to the long, perfectly shaped toes, and everything in between. You are all hardened muscle and sun-kissed skin, perfectly molded and strong. And you share it only with me. Amazing. I love the smell of your skin, the warm, slightly musky scent that is uniquely you.

I love your mind. I love your calm, rational manner, and your way of finding the perfect solution to almost every situation. You are a gifted diplomat, and have saved me many times over by resolving conflict and coordinating compromise without a weapon ever being drawn. I love your attention to detail, and the fact that I never once have to worry about anything at all concerning the upkeep of our army, maps, battle plans, and paperwork. You manage it all with an ease that I will never understand nor could I even hope to emulate. My entire army would be in disarray if not for your brilliant organizational skills. Once again, I wonder if any of the others have the slightest idea that it is you, and not I, that truly keep things running smoothly.

I love everything about you. I could ramble on forever about each and every feature, each and every quality that makes you so perfect, but I daresay it would take the rest of my life to even begin to cover it all.

I look down at you now, as you lay sleeping beside me, and I cannot fathom the depths of my love for you. It is beyond all measure. Knowing that you feel the same for me is more than I can scarcely believe. You are so beautiful as you lay here, your long eyelashes hiding those amazing blue eyes, and your skin slightly flushed from our lovemaking, and you take my breath. Again. Making love with you is beyond perfect. For that time, I can forget who I am and what I am and simply _be_. All that matters is you and I and what we share. I am not a king, you are not a general, and there are no kingdoms to run or battles to be fought. There is only you and me. Yes, you are beautiful and perfect in my eyes, and I am so grateful that you deem me worthy of your love.

"Alexander…"

Your voice shakes me from my reverie.

"You are doing it again."

"What, my love?" I ask.

"Staring at me."

I have to laugh at that. "I cannot help it" I say. "I am trying to comprehend how you can love me, and I am thinking of how much I truly love you."

You smile at me, your eyes warm and seductive, and I know you want me again. My heart beats faster.

Your voice is soft and slightly husky. "You love me, huh?" I see humor in your eyes as well.

I smile at you in return. "You know that I do."

I feel your hands slide up my arms to my shoulders, one of them slipping up around my neck to pull me closer. "Then show me…"

I am more than happy to oblige.


End file.
